How Dirty Do You Fight?
I’ve been trying to put together some thoughts for a post. At first, staying away from this topic seemed like a good idea. Enough that fighting puts a strain on the relationship, why should I make it a part of the blog? Then I realised that it’s actually a part of life and burying it’s silly. And nobody learns anything from being silly.
It’s not always pretty. I know it, Alin knows it and, if you have some life experience, you probably know it as well.
A couple should be judged by the way they fight. Seriously. Think about it!
I can’t speak for others, but looking back at my life and at the serial relationshiper that I was, it’s safe to extrapolate and make it a rule: dirty fighters don’t make lasting couples.
But what does fighting dirty mean?
You might have some examples yourself. But here are mine.
1. Hardcore name-calling. I have to say when I swear, and baby do I, it’s like the demons go out of my body through my mouth. It feels gooooood. Can’t say why. The animal inside maybe?
It’s different in a fight, though. Name-calling is much more severe. It’s like burning down bridges between the two partners. In my case, it was even worse a while back. I used to swear ‘him’ when ‘he’ was not there to defend himself. That, right there, was a massive sign of “NO”, “Run”, “He is not the one. In fact, he is so far from the one, that you might as well have Kim Jong-Un as your boyfriend”.
2. Hitting below the belt. Figuratively. You probably know which are your partner’s weak spots. Do not go there even if you fight. The damage you might do might be too big for you to repair. Afterall, you never know how deep certain frustrations or emotional scars run.
I can remember opening up to a douchebag I was with about some serious f****d up stuff I had gone through with a previous partner. Guess what? He brought it up against me at our next fight. Score! I was shattered and heartbroken. It’s because it came from the one who was supposed to protect (the one whose douchebag…iness I only came to see later) me and love me and not use all my weaknesses and mistakes against me.
3. The silent treatment. One question: does that sh*t ever work? I do understand the need to ignore somebody, but it’s so childish.
In my case, I can’t look a person in the eyes when there is this hostility in the air. The elephant in the room is plain obvious and not addressing it, is just a waste of time. If I don’t feel like it, then I just say so and go for a walk, watch a movie, do something by myself. Maybe even prepare for the confrontation. Just being there, doing stuff and ignoring the other person seems so utterly useless.
4. Bringing parents into it. Rationally speaking, they shouldn’t be anywhere near a relationship, right? Irrationally speaking, we all bare the marks of our upbringing and sometimes we feel the need to give those marks a face, that of a parent. A mom, most of the times.
I have been blessed with cool enough parents who didn’t mix into my business, but that wasn’t always the case with my partners. However their possessiveness, I tried, and mostly succeeded, to leave them out of our discussions. Nothing good or constructive can come out of it.
5. Avoiding confrontation. That has something to do with the silent treatment, but it’s taken to the next level. Let’s make something clear: Fighting is healthy. Releases the tension, voices unhappiness, etc. Avoiding it and going all kissy-kissy when you really want to smack somebody in the face won’t help in the long run. Neither will be releasing the tension on somebody else, friends, family, etc. Locking down things that make you unhappy doesn’t mean dealing with them. Sure a relationship means compromise, but not everything is worth compromising for.
When I feel something isn’t right, I start looking for it, because sooner or later it will come and find me whether I like it or not.
So do fight if you have to, but be careful to always be able to go back to where you were. It’s not really about winning as a single individual, it’s more about winning as a couple, solving your problems and moving on.