they fuck you up, but you can rise above it - life of two

They F*** You Up

I have come across this book, “They fuck you up” by Oliver James, and it all started to make sense to me. The conclusion of the book is: no matter the family, children are all fucked up by their parents. Sometimes a little, sometimes more.

Hi, my name is Oana.

I am a trained engineer, not engineering anymore. I am writing. This. Fiction. Content for websites. The reason why I haven’t done this professionally from the very beginning is because I haven’t listened to myself, but to my parents instead. So I became something that society needs, that society pays for, something that is generally accepted and easily understood – an engineer.

That might sound like I am blaming them. I was. But I am not anymore. I am happy to have stumbled upon the chance of writing for a living.

No matter the pedigree, all children bear the influence of their parents. I am not talking about genetics here, I am talking about the environment and atmosphere parents have been seeding around their youngsters in the first five years of their lives. Absent or careless, oppressive or short-tempered, supportive or encouraging, caregivers set a child’s life on a certain course. Once the chemical balance is established in the brain in the first two years of life, it is very difficult to change it. One can, at most, adjust it here and there.

What I thought I was

Coming back to my self analysis after reading this book: I have long believed I am somehow damaged. My self-diagnosis jumped between “over-thinker” to “not good enough” to “loser” to “depressive” to “unable” and so on. It seemed that the problem stems somewhere in my childhood. How can they have done this, I marvelled. They turned me into who I am, so fucked up, with all these faults, making it so difficult to cope, to move forward.

(Now I know my parents did a little more than only set the grounds for all these insecurities, but I was pretty angry for a while.)

I took what I was given (childhood experiences that had already wired my brain) and challenged myself – went through some social, political and economical situations. I was reborn at the other side.

What I actually am

The new Oana wasn’t just the pathetic, unequipped, angry and a frustrated person; with the right motivation I was also fearless, passionate, loyal, creative and spontaneous. I discovered I still have the ability to surprise myself and, even if there were times when I didn’t believe in myself, I started to develop this … really strange, maybe immature, attitude of jump-and-the-wings-will-follow.

To this day my life motto is to better regret something you do, rather than something you don’t do. You see, I think this way you get to experience things; put yourself in situations when you can learn new things about yourself. About other people.

There is something you can do

So yes, maybe they do fuck you up. And you shouldn’t really deny that, but rather embrace it to the point that you fucking own your shit! And to that you add stuff. Stuff that makes you proud, stuff that makes you a good person, a beautiful person. Because if you can’t change the past, you sure as hell have a say about the future.

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